I stayed up most of last night with a sore throat and chest pains nibbling on colby jack slices and beefing up my Pinterest for a few hours...until four in the morning to be exact. This sudden inability to sleep was driven by panic, and the panic was being steered by my life which has become out of my control in the past couple weeks. The moment I think that I have something lined up, it's intercepted and I'm back at square one.
For instance, Running Buddy, who was my intended roommate for next year, has decided not to live in Chicago anymore but instead return to our mutual home-base to be closer to her family. I can hardly blame her. Once she explained her intentions I was sobbing on the phone to my own mother: "should I come home?!" I'm sure my dad was jumping up and down enthusiastically in the background, but nonetheless Mom listened patiently while I vented my frustrations about being over-worked, under-paid, and without a plan for the future or a roommate to share it with. Ultimately I know it will be best for my theatre career if I stick it out here, but as of last night the worst of premonitions started creeping in to my head.
What if I can't find a full time job? What if I have to rent a shoe-box studio apartment for premium cash? What if I can't pay rent at all? What if I never make it any farther than I am now in theatre? What if I never define a clear enough path for myself to make goals? What if I never get to do the other wonderful things in life that I want to do?
Even typing this out it doesn't feel freeing. It sits on my shoulders, makes my mind race and my chest bind. I'm no stranger to anxiety but it's uncontrollable, slipping in whenever I try to think about my next move. My life will be full of choices. Will the anxiety ever cease? Or just lessen over time...
Despite my inherent reaction to lay down on the floor, the only course is action. In six months, hopefully, this will only be a memory and everything will be working out in the best possible of ways. Until then, if anyone needs a roommate, a co-worker, a friend, someone to give soothing advice to, a low key Saturday night buddy, or someone who loves to get ice cream and IPAs with: I'm your girl.